Words of wisdom

The moment people find out you’re expecting they’re excited to impart their words of wisdom on to you. Some a really helpful, some not so much. For example “get your sleep in now before they arrive” is neither helpful nor doable!

Talking to an expectant mum about their impending arrival is a big deal. You cannot make throw away comments and ignore the impact they may have. Anyone in my life who has had children imparted their words of wisdom on to me when I announced my pregnancy. Some were lovely and have stuck with me. Others had a more negative impact.

We have family friends who I have known since I was around 10. Shortly before E was born they said to me, “remember, everything is just a phase. It all passes.” That has stuck in my mind and helped me on so many occasions. I cannot thank them enough for that gem!

Another one was from an ex colleague in the Middle East, she said “everyone will give you advice on absolutely everything, listen to it all and then completely ignore it all! You know your babies better than anyone else.” Again, that has stayed in the forefront of my mind ever since.

A few people felt it necessary to tell me “nobody cares about you once the baby arrives, so enjoy the attention now.” I have to be really honest and say that that comment set up camp in my anxious, hormonal brain and caused me a whole host of upset. I am pleased to confirm that it is complete and utter rubbish, and I felt just as loved and cared for once E arrived as I did whilst I carried him. I got a few other negative comments too, but this one really out stayed its welcome.

I remember asking friends about giving birth, labour, c-sections, tears, everything! I asked them to be brutally honest as I needed as much information as possible to make my decision on how to bring E in to the world. For the honesty in this department, I thank them all!

You get a lot of unsolicited advice when you’re pregnant that you often didn’t even ask for. Looking back now, I took on way too much of others thoughts and feelings. I didn’t need to be reminded every day that breast feeding was best for my baby. I honestly believe that this contributed to how much of a failure I felt when E couldn’t feed.

My mum spent a lot of my pregnancy building my confidence. I often cried to get that I wouldn't know when to change the baby or when they were hungry or had enough food. She said the same thing a number of times, "you'll just know, trust me, you will." She was right, of course.

If I talk to an expecting or brand new mummy now, I always try to ensure that I fill them with confidence and self belief. I’ll also give them a top tip that I found useful like, “if you think you have enough muslin cloths, buy 10 more…!”

My mental health suffered after having E. I’m not ashamed about this and I will go in to more detail in another post. But I am confident that part of this is because I felt a lot of pressure to live up to other people’s thoughts, feelings and expectations. At the end of the day all I needed to do was listen to my baby and listen to my gut. And if that failed, I rang my mum!

So, next time you’re talking to a new parent - build them up, impart something useful on to them or simply tell them that they will know what to do once the baby arrives, because you just do. As Thumper says, “if you’ve not got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”