Fed is best…

I lost count of how many times (and by how many people) I was asked if I was planning on breast feeding when I was expecting E. My answer remained the same throughout, “I’m going to try, but I’m not putting pressure on myself.” I was wrong…

E was born via planned section and so I didn’t get to hold him until I was in recovery. A lovely nurse came to us and helped E to latch on, and there he stayed for a good 30-45 minutes. It felt wonderful. Euphoric. I was doing it! E was doing it! The nurse was so happy for us both. The next few hours are a bit of a blur, but E slept on me or K quite happily.

A few hours later I was on the maternity ward and an old battle-axe of a midwife was on duty. “This baby needs feeding.” And she took his dummy off him and left it out of my reach. I struggled to sit up, but ignored the pain - my baby needed me.

But he couldn’t latch.

She moved him round like a sack of spuds trying all kinds of positions - he just couldn’t do it. He began to scream. It’s no surprise that I then ended up crying too. She simply looked at me, and loudly announced “you’ve got flat nipples, we’ll try again later.”

She came back shortly after and helped me to express 1ml of colostrum, she fed it to E and announced “that’ll put him on.” I was far from convinced. I asked her to give him his dummy as he was still unsettled and I couldn’t get it - she told me she didn’t agree with breastfed babies having dummies and walked away from us.

Eventually E slept and so did I. A few hours later the midwife sent a HCA to see me, and told me E needed feeding as it had been a few hours - I know I was new at this, but this much was obvious to me! She didn’t offer to help me again she simply said “the midwife said what do you want to do?” Nobody was offering to help me feed my baby the way I had been told was the best way to feed him. E was crying. I was crying. Again. And asked for a bottle of formula. I had failed.

Nobody offered me any help again after that. They just kept bringing me bottles. Don’t get me wrong, E was taking 30-40ml at a time so was clearly hungry! But the devil on my shoulder continued to tell me what a failure I was for not giving him my milk.

On day 3 my milk came in. I had a visit from a midwife at home who simply said, “don’t touch it, it’ll go away on its own.” At no point did she offer me help, or tell me alternative options. I was crestfallen and so sad.

Day 5 came and a lovely midwife walked in to my life. I told her all of this and how sad I was. She smiled at me, “why don’t you express?” It was like a lightbulb had gone off. Why hadn’t I thought about that? (Apart from the fact I hadn’t slept!) I ordered a pump online and proceeded to express my milk for E. He had a mixture of formula and breast milk, and for the next two weeks I felt like I hadn’t failed him as much.

After two weeks I had to stop. I had to take medication for a post-op infection and it meant I couldn’t give E the milk. Consequently my supply dried up. Once again my heart sank and I felt I had failed him. Again.

All around me I felt like all I saw was breast feeding mums. Talking loudly about how wonderful it was, how their baby was getting the best food, and how it was the most natural thing in the world. I just felt more of a failure than ever.

I remember sitting in baby classes where other mums would be feeding, and would feel genuine shame at getting my Tommee Tippee out of the bag. I should’ve been wearing a sandwich board, “my baby hates my boobs.”

As time went on I began to feel a little better. K and the midwife tried to make me understand that my health was important to be able to look after E, and if that meant him having formula so I could have my medication then so be it.

My new mummy friends made me feel more human. Two of them were bottle feeders and one was a combi feeder. We all had similar stories. I felt like I’d found my team.

I had one of my oldest friends from college by my side too. She had given birth to twins 10 weeks before E, and they were thriving on their bottles of formula. She was a solid rock of support and helped me to feel so much better. I’ll never forget that.

So. If you’re a breastfeeding mummy, then you’re very lucky. But try to think about how that bottle feeding mummy might be feeling. Although it might be by choice, it also may not be. And the mum guilt we put on ourselves is strong enough, without inadvertently making others feel rubbish.

At the end of the day, E thrived on formula and is doing so well. So surely, fed is best…?