Hi-Ho, it’s back to work I go!

I’ve just set my first 7am alarm since finishing work for maternity leave at the start of November 2021. Trust me. I’ve seen almost every 7am since finishing because, well, baby! But setting that alarm has triggered all kinds of anxieties.

E starts nursery tomorrow. Like. Properly. He’s had two taster sessions and he loved it. But that doesn’t make me feel any less anxious or nervous about the fact that I’m leaving him in the safe and capable hands of his key worker and her colleagues. He has only ever been left with my Mum and my sister, the two people I trust the most in the world, (aside from K!)

It’s funny. I remember the day he was born I developed this overwhelming feeling inside and I couldn’t describe it. It was about a week later and a lovely midwife came to see me and she told me, “my lovely, that is your mothering instinct and it is completely natural. You want to protect him and keep him safe. I’d be worried if you told me you didn’t have that feeling.” It all made sense then. This tiny human that I had been growing for 39 weeks was now on the outside, in a world of germs, covid, coughs, colds, all kinds! I needed to do everything I could to protect him.

People tried to offer help, “I’ll come and take him round the block for you.” No. No you won’t. People made (what they thought were) jokes, “oh he can come and live with me.” Over my dead body.

We made everyone do a lateral flow test before they came to visit. They had to wash their hands before touching him. And if he was away from me for too long, I got a pain in my chest and I needed him back. I just had to look at K and he would retrieve him from any visitor and put him back in my arms.

I remember my mother-in-law coming to meet him and asking if she could feed him - K agreed, and I had a complete meltdown. I hadn’t let anyone else feed him yet. That was my job. I was his mummy. I felt guilty enough that I couldn’t breastfeed him, I needed the closeness of feeding time. Fortunately, she was really understanding.

We made it clear before he was born that we didn’t want any photos of him posting on any forms of social media. Just another way to protect him from the world. People who we want to have pictures of him, will be sent them. They don’t need to be displayed on social media or on WhatsApp profile pictures to prove that we love him.

A few people chose to take offence at our requests of basic hand hygiene, LF tests and social media ban. Most people fully understood and wouldn’t have had it any other way - especially with Covid still lingering.

To date we have chosen to keep E away from cats and dogs. K has allergies, and my sister is severely allergic. Again, those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter! These are all things we are doing to protect our tiny human.

Tomorrow I will hand E over to his key worker, and leave him in her capable hands for eight hours. They will be the longest eight hours of my life. But I know they will look after him, cuddle him, play with him and care for him. I’ve chosen the best nursery there is. He’s a sociable little boy and there’s no doubt he will be in to everything they have to offer.

Setting that alarm has taken me back to the day that he was born and that overwhelming feeling kicked in. But this time I know what it is and I know that it’s normal. (It also means I’ll be able to go for a wee by myself - a luxury we all crave!)

In the interest of honesty and transparency, I should add in here that I’m not really any less anxious than I was 12 months ago. I still won’t be leaving him with anyone when I’m not working. He’s my responsibility. I didn’t have a baby to hand him over to other people at the first available opportunity. He’s going to nursery purely so I can earn a living and provide for him, with K.

And I know nursery will be so good for him. Even if I do spend those eight hours tomorrow sitting in the car park…!