Oh the (mum) guilt…

Before E was born, the phrase “mum guilt” meant very little to me. And if I’m honest I probably thought it was a bit of an overreaction and a bit dramatic. Oh. How very wrong I was.

There is no other feeling of guilt like it. The guilt we put on ourselves as mummy’s, usually for doing something for the greater good of our tiny humans.

The guilt began a few hours after E was born when he was unable to latch. But that’s a whole other blog for a whole other day.

The first time I left E was when he was two months old for around two hours. We had to go and view a house and it was more practical to leave him with my mum. The guilt I felt was unreal. I remember the entire journey I just sat praying we got back to him in one piece. Spoiler alert. We did. (He also slept the entire time and had no idea I was gone…!)

I took E to a baby sensory group once he was 8 weeks. He slept for the best part of it. At the end, the woman running the group turned to me and said “do you think he’ll be awake for next week’s session…?” I felt ashamed, embarrassed and guilty. What was I supposed to do? He was eight weeks old and spent most of his time asleep! I’d paid in advance for a block of classes, but I didn’t want to go back. Fortunately, two of my new mum friends were also in the class, and they gave me the courage and support to return, and to try to let the comments (they were made more than once) wash over me. Safe to say I didn’t return once the term was over. No new mum needs that on their mind.

The baby massage group I went to was the complete opposite. Jenny was warm, kind and friendly and began each session by assuring us that the classes were baby led, and if they needed feeding, changing or a sleep, then for us to go on ahead and do it. It was such a different atmosphere. Most of the babies fell asleep by the end of the class anyway, as is the nature of massage!

There was one mum in the classes who unfortunately managed to make me feel guilty most weeks. She always had something to say, and it was usually patronising and demoralising. She would go on about what a wonderful human she was because she was exclusively breast feeding her baby, how her baby had mastered tummy time, her baby enjoyed stories and singing… I would sit and beat myself up about how much tummy time E had done that week, how he didn’t listen to stories yet and how he was exclusively formula fed. I felt like a failure. A crap mum. I now realise that they were eight weeks old and he didn’t need stories and constant tummy time. He simply needed me. I was actually doing a great job. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The mum guilt continues. Daily. Especially on nursery days. Despite knowing he’s happy, and it’s good for him. I sit at work feeling guilty for leaving him with someone who he isn’t used to. I even feel guilty when he’s at home with me - we should be out, we should be doing more. It never ends.

Mum guilt is horrible, but is something we tend to do to ourselves. Mum shaming, on the other hand, is a terrible thing. When I started this blog I was worried that some people might take it as me mum shaming others. But I can assure you that’s not my intent.

There is no guidebook on how to raise a baby. You do what works for you and your baby. One of my lovely friends co-sleeps with her little girl. They both love it. It’s not something we could’ve done with E, mainly through fear of squashing him between us! But I would NEVER shame my friend for that. I praise her for it. (I'm secretly jealous that she gets to cuddle her baby all night long!) She’s doing what’s best for her and her baby. End of. But equally. She would never dream of shaming me because we chose not to co-sleep.

My three mum friends from the classes are my girl gang. My amigos. My cheerleaders. I turn to them for everything. I send all of the messages in the group chat. At all hours of the day. “E won’t eat,” “Why won't E walk yet,” “I’ve had enough and I want to run away.” I’ve sent them all. And you know what? Never once have they made me feel guilty. They’ve built me up. Supported me. Made suggestions. And most of all, they’ve shown me love. Now THAT is what every mum needs.