The secret to sleeping through…

...spoiler alert - there isn't one!

The most common, but most annoying question a new mum can hear… “so, how’s he sleeping?” I’m guilty of doing it myself. It’s just something to say more than anything. But whenever anyone asked me (or asks, it still happens!) I always felt anxious with my reply. Like it’s a competition. Like there is a wrong answer. When all you really want to say is “truth is Linda, hun, he’s three days old and sleeps 90% of the time, just not much at night.”

From the moment E was born, he was happiest asleep on us. As most newborns are. And yet somehow we have it hammered in to us that this is not good, we’re making a rod for our own backs, and we should be encouraging them to sleep in their bed. Why? Tell me why. He’s been inside of me for nine months, known nothing but the comforting sounds of my heartbeat and safety of my womb - and now you want me to put him in a wide open space and expect him to sleep there? Not happening. It took me a very long time to think of contact naps as acceptable. And now I miss them more than anything because he loves his cot for nap time now.

First two nights at home, K ended up on the couch and E was in his nest on the bed next to me. He screamed whenever we put him in the Moses basket. Our first night home, K and I were online at 2am ordering a slimline Next2Me crib to replace the Moses basket. Even then when it arrived he hated it without his nest. I then I went in to overdrive as it wasn’t approved for overnight sleeping. My mum and dad came to the rescue and bought E a PurFlo nest. It fit perfectly in his Next2Me and it was approved for overnight sleep (although not by lullaby trust…). But don’t take this as us finding the answer - he still woke every two hours for 2oz of milk that he would take an hour to drink. It’s just that he actually settled when we put him in there! K and I were walking zombies - as most new parents are.

I remember being at a baby group when E was around 9 weeks old, and a girl nearby with a baby of similar age proudly boasted, “he sleeps from 7pm until 7am, but doesn’t really nap in the day.” My heart sank. I wanted to cry. Why didn’t my baby do that? Why was my baby hungry at night? Why didn’t I get solid sleep? Because, Kim, your baby is completely normal and it is not normal or healthy for a newborn to sleep for 12 solid hours. I wish I could go back in time to New Mum Kim and explain it, make myself understand. Babies wake to feed and that’s ok. Babies wake for comfort and that’s ok. Babies wake, keeping them safe from SIDS and THAT. IS. OK.

I would hate going to bed. I used to get what I called “Going To Bed Dread.” As soon as the sun began to set, I’d be full of anxiety and emotions just because I didn’t know what time I was going to get woken up. If I’m honest, I still get it now some nights. Especially if E has been unwell and he’s had a few nights of waking. In those first few months, K would send me to bed at 7:30/8pm to make sure I got a good few hours in before the first feed - I never argued!

I remember the first night E slept through. I shook K at 6:30am, “have you been up with him?” Nope. Nor had I. And he was still snoring. We high fived. Our boy had done it. He’d slept through the night. He was 15 weeks old. And by slept through I mean he had enjoyed his last bottle with his daddy around 10:30pm, and slept until 7am. (Some parents go on about their babies sleeping through without clarifying that their version of sleeping through is sleeping from 12am to 5am).

We’ve been really lucky. E has pretty much slept through since 15 weeks. Yes we’ve had the sleep regressions. Yes we’ve had the disturbed nights after jabs, covid, teething, viruses. But when he’s fit and well, he now goes to bed at 7pm and wakes around 7:30am.

But we never take it for granted. And when we have days or weeks where he’s waking in the night for comfort/pain relief/dummy/nappy change, we fear it will never go back to how it was. But it does.

But mark my words. I will never be that mum that brags about my baby and his sleep. Because I know how awful I felt hearing that girl at baby group.

One of my closest friends has two boys. And neither of them like to sleep. One is six and one is a week younger than E. How would she feel if I sat and bragged at every opportunity about my wonderful sleeping baby, and how I manage to get at least eight solid hours every night?! She wouldn’t be my friend for long, I know that much.

So. Next time you go to see a new(ish) mum, think about it before you ask about how the baby is sleeping. Because believe me, unless you have the secret to making babies sleep, there are a million other things she wants to talk about.